Call Me Daddy J (usuk)
by ObeytheCupcake
Summary: Alfred has recently faced many troubles within his country and his home life. When England stops by for a visit, he gives him suggestions on ways to get his hurt out. One of these suggestions is to become a rapper. Though he tells him this jokingly, Alfred doesn't think so. ** FOR THE LULZ A.K.A Cracktalia


**_Author's Note- Hehe… This is written for the lulz and the lulz only. If you get offended easily, I suggest not reading this. There's no need to get upset at this story since it wasn't written for that reason._**

**_This is just the first half. _**

**_Anyway, I hope you enjoy reading this! It was fun writing it~_**

He sat still, watching the T.V screen as many loud, somewhat obnoxious laughs boomed from his throat. Tonight, he was watching his favorite show, Ridiculousness. He loved this show; every time it came on, he would eagerly wait to watch Rob Dyrdek to jump around stage constantly with a new snapback on with each episode.

The only problem he had with the show is that they would have the show back to back to ungodly hours. Most of the time, our hero had other things to do and got caught into the show on his way up the stairs.

For example, this show came on at 5:30. He had so much he needed to do in order to have everything sorted out for the meeting that rolled around at 9 o'clock tomorrow morning. But despite having so much to do, Rob Dyrdek had hypnotized this man into planting his rear onto the couch to stare into the T.V and watch his energetic jumps for hours.

Right now, it was 1:45, and someone didn't agree with the individual's selective trance.

"What the hell are you doing up so late?!" He heard his roommate, Tony started, yelling towards him. He came down the stairs a bit, "You haven't moved since I last saw you at 7!" He went on, pointing his long finger towards him.

He turned around.

"Nooooo!" He corrected, waving his finger back towards the alien fellow. "I went to the bathroom two hours ago and I moved to the side of the couch instead of the middle."

'Haha, dumb fuck.' Our hero thought, bobbing his head with confidence.

"Whatever." The other replied, going back up the stairs. "You have to be at World Meeting tomorrow at 9, you better get started on your work." He said as he went back up the stairs.

The hero sighed as he thought 'Shit!? Why does being a country have to be so hard!? Why can't Obama do this stuff!?' while realizing what time it was.

So, with his tail dangling in between his leg like a dog in defeat, he walked up the stairs and down the hall where his office had sat and waited for him.

He opened the door, sighing a deep, heavy sigh and continued this sigh in a dramatic manner as he flopped in his black leather chair, spinning around. After the sigh, the spinning still continued. This made him smile as he curled his toe around the corner of his desk and kicking off of it. Then, throwing his arms into the air since he certainly did not care, he smiled as he let himself in high pitched, childlike voice say 'WEEEE!".

Once the spinning had come to an end, he spun the chair ever so lightly back around to face the desk where he crossed his fingers as he thought of what he would tackle first.

And as he pondered over the ever growing topic, his eyes trailed to his poster of Rod Dyrdek he had hanging on the wall. Beside the poster sat another poster of Alien Workshop and then some long boards hanging all over his office. He kept his eye on the poster, smiling deeply.

He considered himself to be a 'Sk8er Boi'. He remembered back in 2002 when the song would play constantly. He remembered where he was on the exact day he heard this song. He was at a local Zumiez looking for a new snapback and a T-Shirt with a cat on it. He heard the song with his ears perked up.

But he doesn't listen to that song anymore because to him, it's 'so outdate, like, omg you have no idea.'

As his eyes looked into the still, inked brown eyes that seemed to put our young (?) hero in a trance, he came to a shocking, yet he then thought 'how could I have been so blind?'

"There are two other people on the show." He said aloud with a quiet tone to add an effect only he could get chills from. "Alfred F. Jones," He said his name verbally, like he was introducing himself to the man that hung on the poster. "You're stupid!" He laughed. He wasn't stupid. This man considered himself to be a hero, therefore he near a godlike stance. Well, not exactly a godlike stance, but sure as hell surpasses Thor, Iron Man and England's eyebrows with power. So we will consider him a demi-Jesus.

He then opened his laptop with lightning speed. The question that peaked vigorously at his mind was 'why were the other two famous?' Yes, at this point, for the show, but why were they picked? He thought he should have been picked if they were on the side of the rode giving away postcards invitation's for the show.

But first, out of curiosity he typed in the one guy. He couldn't remember his name to save his life, so he decided 'Black guy on Ridiculousness' would fit as a good description. Strangely enough, Alfred had pulled enough information together to piece his name together. His name, on the show was Steelo.

Alfred then read his short biography that google had on him to conclude that he was, in fact, a rapper at one point. But then he also came to conclusion that no one cared, not even he, so he went to the girl.

You bet your sweet ass he remembered her name.

He quickly erased 'Black guy on Ridiculousness' and typed in 'Chanel West Coast' and sat there to stare at the box filled with the slim, black letters as if there was something missing. He then giggled mischievously as he added to the name 'topless' and clicked over to the images section of the search engine.

He continued this giggle in till all the pictures loaded. He being disappointed sighed to match his disapproving images he had come to see. On the webpage in front of him sat many pictures of her face photo shopped on the bodies of women who had taken part in the adult film industry. The skin tones were matched perfectly, but the problem he faced that it wasn't hers.

Feeling mislead and misguided, he quickly went back to web search and erased 'topless' and added 'why famous' to his search, hitting the spacebar and watching the page load.

And once he saw what the page had to say, he felt his Jimmies rustle within his figure.

"S-S-She's a rapper?" He stammered, adjusting his glasses out of disbelief. "I thought that was a joke they had?" He added, clicking on a link to one of her songs.

There was an episode where Rob had told Chanel to rap. And she did, but Alfred thought it was them joking around since she wasn't very good at the specific genre, nor was the words she had pulled out of thin air very well thought out either. Alfred had never heard of one of her songs since he thought many other female rappers had tuned her out of the lime light since they were either more attractive or better.

But as he listened to the song, he shorty realized why she wasn't too popular.

The song he was listening to was titled 'Eat My Cookie'. Our hero here isn't the brightest, so he thought she was literally speaking of cookies she had just made and wanted to hand out at maybe a church bake sale.

He came to the conclusion that if you handed these cookies out at a church bake sale, real Jesus will be very displeased. These cookies were not cookies but in fact another interesting way to refer to someone's genitals.

The more Alfred listened to the song, the more he surprisingly enjoyed the song. The lyrics were funny and the beat wasn't half bad.

Once the song had come to an end, he looked at the screen, sighed, and put the song on repeat. As the song started, he started to bob his head to the beat, feeling the apparent sweetness of her 'vanilla cookie' enter him and energize his blood. The song was almost like a battery. And here he'd consider himself the Energizer rabbit. Even though he could sometimes not remember the brand name, he would also call the so called rabbit 'Battery Bunny' whenever in a jam.

Once the song had finished for the second time, he typed in the URL box ' ' where he looked at some gifs of cat's doing the most wonderful things like taking someone's cheeseburger (Even though that was considered a devious crime and will make him consider the electric chair), masturbated (not at the same time) looked at some more cat gifs and repeated (okay, this time it was at the same time).

At the moment Tumblr was unable to replenish his thirst for cats doing the most intriguing things and his genitals had enough of his furious death grip, he decided to have a binge of the song.

He later looked down at the clock that was on his laptop, he saw that it was 8:45.

"Oh shit!" He cried, jumping up from his computer screen, he feeling his boxers fall to his ankles. He looked down to his he hadn't put his jeans back on and left his boxers lose around his thighs.

As he looked down, all that looked back at him was the hair that grew from in between his legs. He stared at the hair and came to the idea that his pubic hair looked like fire. He wanted people to start calling him 'Fire Balls' now.

But that was beside the point. All he could think off as he ran out of the room with his boxers loosely around his waist was 'Oh fuck, I didn't do anything AGAIN.'

The meeting they had today was pretty important. As the countries sat around the large table, each of them elbow to elbow, they discussed something important; the health of our environment.

But the topic everyone was looking over intensely was China's air quality problem. Alfred was unofficially one of the biggest culprits for the overall quality of the air. His boss, Obama, had been selling coal for very cheap prices to Yao's boss. And with China's ever growing economy and dense population, they couldn't have anything too expensive if they didn't want to be sucked dry.

It really was a win-win since Yao's economy could grow and thrive and Alfred's economy could do the same as well.

But, the air would not be as lucky as the others.

Alfred and his two friends, Gilbert (Formally known as Prussia, but Prussia doesn't exist anywhere else but in our hearts) and Mathis (Also known as Denmark; where the word 'please' does not exist) had an ongoing joke that the air quality was the way it is because of Yao's gas. By gas, they mean farts.

Yes, they believed that Yao was so old that he developed the ability to have dust leave his anal cavity. But instead of doing it in his house where the dust would collect, he would point his rear out the door and let the dust leave him into the air.

And then, once the dust floats carelessly like a spider catching a ride on the wind, he's smile a satisfied grin, coffee cup in hand as he listen to the people of the nation cough aggressively.

"America, please tell us your views on the environment." A loud, accented voice broke through the silent chatter of others.

Alfred, as known as America, wasn't paying attention to the man, actually. The man that had asked him his opinion on the environment was Ludwig who as goes by Germany. But at meetings, they only refer to each other as their countries name.

But, Alfred quickly ripped his eyes off the screen of his phone he had resting in between his legs. He was reading somewhere that boys and also girls should not do that since it can mess up their areas due to the radiation. But Alfred was Yolo-ing it. And besides, he knew that his balls of furry were all well and fine. He could last twelve minutes in with a good porno WHILE playing with it. He considered himself very talented with his sensitivity.

"What?" He replied, looking up as he saw his brother, Matthew (Also goes by…. Canada, right?) by his side and 'bitch face' England by his other side as well.

"You git," England said, nudging him with his elbow. "What do you think about the environment?" He informed. Alfred turned his head towards him, nodding his head as he turned it back towards Germany.

"It's bad." He said, simply, still confused as to what he wanted to really say. "I think we could do better."

"Ok, then." Germany said, sitting back in the chair. He then looked over his paper work he had in front of him. "Where's the short essay you were told to write regarding China's air?" He asked, looking up at him, seeing Alfred go pale in his seat. He put his face in his hand, rubbing his eyes as he looked back up at the American man. "You didn't do it, did you?"

"My whale ate it." He quickly said, smirking as if he slickly got out of the situation. "Yeah, Whaley ate all of it. He said it was good, so I'm thinking what I said was good, too."

"Well, can you give us an idea of what you said?" Germany replied, making Alfred turn back to his pale state. He didn't think he'd get that far.

"U-U-Uh I said it was bad…" He said, playing with his phone under the table, looking at the features that were on Ifunny.

"Yes," Germany laughed a deep laugh. "It is bad, anything else?" He added as he watched America lift his head back up. He became nervous.

He had heard the horror stories of what Germany would do to Italy whenever he messed up at a meeting. He had heard that anal thrashing was involved along with whips, chains and shackles because someone can't be tamed. He assumed it was Germany; he figured he was in to that stuff, but he would have never guessed he'd use that to punish the sweet, innocent Italy with.

Well, Italy isn't all that innocent now, is he?

"It's super bad." Alfred smiled as he remembered that movie. "Like, so bad it's not terrible, but it's worse than that. What's the word?"

"Horrid?" England chimed in; Alfred snapped his fingers, pointing down towards him.

"Ah, yes, words." He said, looking back towards Germany. "I never was good at speaking them words, so why don't you get I-g-g-y talk to you." He smiled once more. He then heard Australia down the table sitting next to New Zealand lean forward from his chair, snapping his fingers as he looked back down towards him.

"AHHHH!" he shouted, understanding the Iggy Azaela reference. Alfred laughed and repeated the actions, returning the 'AHHH' and all.

"I can see you're not fully aware of how serious this matter is." Germany said, his voice starting to get loud. Alfred felt himself starting to get fearful. "This is not the time for playing around, America! You are the main reason China is in this mess." He said, his voice getting louder. Italy was getting a tad bit worried as well as he pulled on Germany's sleeve, trying to calm him down.

Alfred looked back down at his phone, not knowing what else to say to the boiling German man that was three seats down from him. So he continued to look at Ifunny; reposts and all.

"Are you on your phone, America!? Are you really on your phone!?" Germany went on, throwing his hand outward in frustration. Alfred then realized this was probably as upset that Ludwig could get, so he decided to play with his buttons.

"Bitch," He started, looking up at him with a smile. "I might be."

"What did you say!?" Germany shouted, getting ready to jump up from his seat. "Did you really just say that to me!?"

"Enough!" China shouted, he jumping from his chair as he waved his hands out. Alfred looked over towards him, he smiling as he took his phone out from under the table, looking at the screen. "I've had too much of all this bitching between everyone!" He went on, throwing his finger towards Alfred. "America! You China's bitch now!" He said, loudly, making our hero look towards the small Chinese man with a skeptical look. "I no buy anything from you till you increase price of coal so boss doesn't buy!"

"Oh no!" England said beside him, looking over at Alfred how had found gum in his pocket, opened it and started to chew it. "America! This is serious! Just increase the price right now!"

But our hero didn't seem to want to fall to the smaller man that seemed to believe he had power over the superpower. He rolled his blue eyes, looking over at England as he continued to chew his gum but still managed to hold his stern expression.

"Oh." He started, chuckling a bit at the picture he had seen. "Let me text Obama to give him the 411, but I'll tell him not to touch it."

"That's insane! China's one of your biggest buyers! You'll fall into a depression!" England continued to ramble, but Alfred continued his text to his boss.

"Um, no I won't." He said, chewing the gum. "That's why doctors have antidepressants, duh."

He woke up once he heard the sudden crash of something that was downstairs. He immediately sprang to his feet and grabbed his baseball bat he had had signed by that Ruth guy (it's old as hell, okay?) and opened his bedroom door slowly. He was certain that Tony was still asleep and he saw that Whaley was snuggled into the kiddy pool that rested by his bed. It was filled with water and probably his pee.

But he walked down the stairs with silent feet; the baseball bat was held high above his head, waiting for anything. He knew he'd be prepared for whatever would come out towards him and lash out against him.

"Who goes there!?" He shouted, getting off the last step. "You are in the wrong house, you know! The neighbors have better stuff!" He said, but then he started to laugh, letting the baseball bat fall from its once high stature for him to erupt in laughter. Once he let his chuckles finish, he held it back up, still smiling. "Just kidding; I got better stuff than those losers. But either way, that does mean you can get it either!" He shouted as he heard more rustling. "Dude, what the fuck did I just say!?" He whined, he hearing the rustling coming from the kitchen. Then, he fell weak once he thought of all the goods the person could be stealing.

Alfred jumped in front of the kitchen arch way, seeing the figure over by the fridge as he packed in all the food he could into his jacket as he had his back turned, obviously trying to hurt before Alfred could catch him.

Alfred licked his lips, taking the baseball bat and aimed it. Once he had lined up the shot, he knew what he would do.

"I said you couldn't have my stuff!" He shouted rather loudly, the person in front of the fridge turned around to see the baseball bat hurling towards them.

"AH!" The pubescent boy in the jacket shouted once the baseball bat had made contact with his skull, he grabbing his head immediately as he fell to the floor, whimpering rather loudly.

Alfred turned his hand into a fist as he flung it inward, proud of his good shot. He then jumped on to the island of counters that was in the middle of the kitchen, peering down at the teenager.

"You're a criminal!" He shouted down at him, leaning downward so he looked at him, seeing what he had in his coat. He gasped as he jumped down, his legs going on either side of him as he looked down at the boy with an angered expression. Alfred was still in his pajamas, but he knew he still added some intimidation to the boy. "You little shit." He said, reaching down and unzipping the boy's coat. "Y-y-you…." Alfred stammered, taking the package of bologna from the boy's gray jacket. He held the circular package in his hand, looking at it with a saddened look. He then threw it on the counter, digging in the boy's jacket to see he had also planned to take the pizza lunchables, a pack of Krafts American Cheese and a case of Ball Park hotdogs.

Alfred fell weak in the knees, his mouth going wide as he felt himself ready to crumble. He felt so enraged that he almost felt a little sorrowful.

"Y-You would seriously do this to a man!?" He shouted, taking the packages into each of his hands, standing upright as he looked forward. He was unable to look the boy in the eye. 'When you take a man's lunchables and bologna you are taking his justice, too, you know this, right?!" He went on, slamming the items on the counter, reaching down to the boy, getting closer to his face.

The young boy was in tears due to the fear and the wound that was along his skull. He still held his hand to his head, unable to say anything that would comfort

"I-I'm sorry, Sir!" He cried, pushing away from Alfred's intimidating stares. "M-My mom's about to have a baby a-a-and we can't afford food…" He said, tearing up. But Alfred rolled his eyes.

"Well that's your mom's fault for getting knock up at a time like this!" He said, standing up right once more. "Now get the hell out of here before I turn you into bologna and feed it to your whore of a mom, _do I make myself clear_?"

The teenaged boy started to cry as he quickly sprung to his feet, his hand still place over his head as he bolted to the back door, running out and slamming it shut before Alfred could get him.

Alfred followed him to the back door, seeing that the lock had been picked.

He sighed, clicking his tongue as he walked to the fridge, taking the packages of food and placing them back in the drawers that they were once in, shutting it and walking to the cabinet. He opened it, seeing that his X-men special edition Twinkies were not harmed in the stir. He smiled, grabbing one of the packages.

Walking to the couch, he took a long sigh as he fell to the couch, opening the thin and clear plastic. He took a deep inhale, smelling the sponge cake with the blue icing inside. He then licked the cake, smiling.

Whenever he had the Twinkie with the blue icing, he'd always imagine he was giving a Smurf a good blowjob. And plus, he liked to practice giving oral sex (preferable blowjobs) because he wanted to see how well he could get. He wanted to be Sasha Grey kind of good. Though he was just a beginner, he knew that one day he could reach her expert like quality.

But he knew right now wasn't the time for practice, so he shoved the whole thing in his mouth and took two monster like chomps, swallowed and sighed, turning the T.V on. He smiled once he realized he was the last person on the block to have a plasma screen.

BZZZZZ

He looked over towards the coffee table, seeing that his phone was going off. He smiled once again; realizing he was one of the last people in the state to be able to afford an Iphone.

He saw the caller ID seeing it was Arthur (who was actually England at the meeting). Once he saw that, he immediately let the smile fade.

"What?" Alfred groaned, licking his lips from the blue icing.

"How are you doing?" He asked, chuckling a bit. "All I hear about you on the news are school shootings and puppy mill busts. I can't imagine you're doing any better."

"Ha! Well, I am, thank you." He lied; things were much worse.

"Really?" He said, chuckling once more. "So, if I came over to visit you right now, would I not see more than twenty homeless people?" He asked. Alfred was able to hear the smile in his voice.

Alfred's eyes went wide; he hated to lie. Gorge Washington, God bless his soul, had told him better than to lie! It was seriously one of Gorge's most hated thing.

"….Depends where you go." Alfred half lied; it really did, though.

"Ah, well, surprise! I'm visiting. I needed a slight vacation anyway, I figured America would be a nice place to visit anyway." He said.

"No! D-Don't come!"

"Why?"

"Because….." He said, looking around. 'Damn it!' he thought, continuing to look around the house. 'I can't lie.' He went on. "My house is a mess." He said. He was telling the truth; his house was very unclean.

"Clean it before I get there. I'll be there tomorrow." He said, laughing. "Bye!" He said, hanging up.

Alfred sighed deeply, groaning as he slid down on the back of the couch, growling to himself as he looked around the house. He wasn't going to clean it; maybe if he didn't clean the house, Arthur wouldn't stay.

At the moment, America as the country was in a big problem. They lost quite a lot of money due to China boycotting their goods. So hardly any money was coming in from the trading business since China was one of the biggest traders they had. In fact, there was hardly any money coming in at all.

"Alfred," He heard Tony call out. He turned around, seeing him standing at the steps. He pointed towards the upstairs. "There's something wrong with Whaley." He informed, making Alfred's heart drop.

"What!?" He said, springing to his feet, running up the stairs, Tony following behind him.

"Yeah, he looks sick; he does not want to move out of the pool, either." He went on, standing at the doorway of Alfred's bedroom, watching him run over to the Whale in the kiddy pool.

"What's the matter, boy? Girl? I don't know what you are, but god damn; tell me what is wrong with you!" Alfred shouted, feeling his eyes starting to water as he saw the Whale's sadden expression. Alfred put his head towards the Whales mouth, he hearing it moan and groan above him. "I don't know what you're saying, but you're hot!" He said, taking the kiddy pool, dragging it towards the door. "Not in looks, but in temperature. Even though I bet in whale world, you're pretty hot!" He insured as Tony moved out of the way, letting Alfred drag the pool to the bathroom.

Tony followed him once he saw him disappear behind the wall, he hearing the water from the faucet begin to start.

"What are you going to do?" Tony asked, watching Alfred lift the whale; the whale groaning and flipping it's fins in a slight disproving manner.

"Sit still, Whaley!" Alfred said, letting the Whale down in a rough, unforgiving way on accident. "Oops!" He shouted, hearing the Whale begin to cry in pain. "I'm sorry! Anyway, I put him in the bathtub so he could get some different water. I think I may leave him in there as well, since I bet it's nicer for him."

"Well, alright then." Tony responded. He looked at the whale, he going uncertain. "Hey," He started, pointing to a cut on the Whale's underside. "What's that?"

"What's what?" Alfred question, following Tony's finger's pointing rage to see the same thing. "Oh my god! Whaley!" He cried, looking at the cut. "W-Who did this to you!?" He said, hugging the whale. But then, his eyes went wide once he thought of who it could be. "Oh god, no; Kiku! He did this to you, didn't he!?"

"Alfred, that's unlik-"

"HOW DARE HE COME INTO MY HOUSE AND START WHALING? HAS HE NO RESPECT FOR MY PET!?" He interrupted with extremely loud shouts as he stormed off out of the room.

"Alfred, I know it wasn't ki-"

"I'm making calls!" He interrupted once again, going to his office as he shut slammed the door rather loudly; the slam equally as loud as his voice. He then tapped on the middle button of his phone, seeing it light up. He then went to the dialer, typed in a number and waited somewhat patiently for the man in mind to answer.

"Hello?" He heard his voice, he nearly falling weak in the knees with excitement and rage. He knew he had to do this.

"Paul Watson," He started, hearing the heavy breathing on the other line. He knew it was him. "I need you now more than ever." He admitted, opening the door, hearing his whale starting to groan more due to the unpleasant feelings he was enduring. He felt his tears well up within his blue eyes, but he quickly wiped them away. "Can you help me?"

"Are whales involved?" He replied.

"Yes." Alfred said, looking down the hall, seeing Tony tending to the poor, helpless creature that was in the tub. "One has been injured, and I believe I need your help."

**_part two, coming soon_**


End file.
